Book Review: Candyfreak by Steve Almond

"The answer is that we don't choose our freaks, they choose us."

Steve Almond's opening line to his sugar-laden, quasi-biographical work Candyfreak: A Journey through the Chocolate Underbelly of America resonates quite a bit with me. Being a chick and all, I suppose it's genetically impossible for me to be impervious to chocolate. And while I am pretty sure there is a little cacao monster lurking inside all of us, my studies in neuroscience make me question whether my own blood-brain barrier really is impenetrable to glucose. Quite simply, the powers that be endowed me with the freak of a sweet tooth.

For many years I thought I was alone, that I was the only one who saw a peanut butter cup as an ethereal, otherworldly escape from the trials and tribulations of childhood and teenagerdom. But after reading his own memoirs and investigative reporting on the births and deaths of American candy companies over the decades, I realize that I'm on the tame side.

Almond's joy lies not only in sampling the wide assortment of regional delights that few of us have had the privilege of savoring, but also relating the histories of the small, family-owned candy companies throughout America. And while it is impossible to experience many of the era-specific delicacies firsthand, Almond nonetheless makes it his raison d'etre to imbue us with as much sugar awareness as possible. While my contemporaries have grown up and become familiar with the "Big Three"--Hershey, Nestle, and Mars--very few have sampled, or are even aware of the existence of, a Twin Bing, Idaho Spud, Goo Goo Cluster, or a Valomilk. With a verve rivaling that of the green M&M, Almond is resolute to capture the attention of the once uninterested and convert the previously fascinated to, for lack of a better word, freaks.

The book's gems include not only the author's wit and characteristic humor oozing with sarcasm, but also a broad smattering of candy trivia from beginning to end. For instance, did you know the Necco wafer was created in 1847, and became a staple of Union soldiers who fought in the Civil War? Were you aware of the massive candy bar boom post-WWI, whose products were inextricably tied to popular figures of the time? The Lindy and Winning Lindy bars both were born from Charles Lindbergh, while Amos N Andy, Little Orphan Annie, and Babe Ruth all had their own confections as well. And--brace yourself--did you know that the Baby Ruth was not in fact named after the superstar slugger, but after President Grover Cleveland's daughter? No aspect of popular culture was unexplored, as evidenced by the 18th Amendment Bar manufactured during prohibition by the Marvel Company of Chicago, boasting a "Pre-War Flavor" with a bottle of rum on the label.

It is only through Almond's gift of freak that such an effective cross-generational and interregional examination of America's favorite comestible can be accomplished. His obsessive passion for candy (or perhaps dangerously elevated insulin level?) prompts him to leave no region, factory, or product unexplored, and manages to convince us all that in the end, these confections are not only molecular amalgamations of sugar, corn syrup, and cocoa powder, but tangible evidence linking us to other times, places, and generations.

I will close with one of many sidestitch-inducing lines in the book, but perhaps my personal favorite:

"Every now and then, I'll run into someone who claims not to like chocolate, and while we live in a country where everyone has the right to eat what they want, I want to say for the record that I don't trust these people, that I think something is wrong with them, and that they're probably--and this must be said--total duds in bed."

So, as you agonize whether you'll be bubbling in Clinton or Obama come next November, I urge you to not only consider the potential effects of your choice on the future of our children, national deficits, and foreign policy, but ask yourself who--if left to their own devices without the puppeteering of political aides--would choose the Jolly Rancher.

And then vote for the other one.